Confessions of a Rebel

Sixth months into my position, I knew that I had to find a way out. I wasn’t sure how I would exit, but I banked on the instability of the company to release me. That was four years ago.

On Friday, March 16th I took matters in my own hands and gave myself freedom. It wasn’t easy. In fact, my nerves rippled through my body as I worried about how I would be perceived.  To the average person it meant that I was giving up stability and great pay. But no matter how I turned the tables, or how much I wrestled with the idea, I knew I had to leave.  My sanity lay on the table begging for a mercy. And I was the only one destined to save it. My confidence was next in line and so was my intellect. These were all things that were brutally beaten in the past four years by an unbelievable company with unbelievable managers. We will leave it at that.

So Friday March 16th was my last day. The truth of the matter is, I don’t have a real back up plan; just a small part-time job and a measly savings that guarantee my bills for another 6 – 8 months.  In the 7 years that I’ve been on my own I’ve never had to unindependify myself (I know that’s not a word). In fact, I got use to the idea of giving back, not borrowing or taking. So it feels uncomfortable to call a parent’s house a home, but I’m excited about the idea of starting over. For now, my preance, (a word my friend Journei made up to describe her soon to be fiancé) , Daryl and I will move in with his mother.

I’m sure you’re dying to know what life after quitting is like. To be honest, the first week is quit an adjustment.  What to do, where to go, who to visit, what to cook, and what to watch have all become routine questions. But the most important task for me has been finding how to market myself next. Finding all of these upcoming book festivals is nothing short of a dream. But the money to attend those festivals will have to remain unknown for now.

Speaking of writing, on Saturday Daryl and I watched the DVD Julie & Julia. It was the most inspiring DVD that I’d seen in a while. If you saw the movie, you understand my life, my struggles, and quite possibly my future. If you haven’t seen the movie, it details the lives of two women. One who loved to write, and the other who loved to cook. Both ended up writing and becoming famous, sacrificing a piece of their personal life in the process. The movie was nothing short of inspirational. I couldn’t have watched it at a better time.

I received word on Monday that one of my former colleagues called me stupid for quitting. Surprisingly, I took the news well and didn’t get flustered by the cluster fuck’s remark. Instead, it reassured me that not everyone will understand my decision for quitting (although I’m sure he will understand soon enough). I live with no regrets and my decision to take back my life was the best thing I could’ve done for myself. My former colleague is a dick and I’m sure that’s why he can appreciate the toxic environment in which he works. Only snakes can swim in a pool of sharks. Okay maybe that is wrong, but it sounded cool. Work with me as I try to be creative. lol

In terms of family support, I have plenty. My mother is super excited for me and my venture. She has called me every day laughing that I quit the day before I was to train new hires. I know it sounds facetious…and it is, but it’s within reason trust me. My manager deserved me quitting at the time that I did because I was underappreciated, and as with any Scorpio, we like to give you a kick in the bum every once in a while.  I wish you knew my mother personally. She is a barrel of laughs all the time and her humor is filled with corny jokes and sayings. My dad on the other hand is a bit more cautious. When I told him I quit, he lectured me about how I should not have done it until I had something else lined up. He said that he had to learn his lesson back in 1975 when he encountered a similar situation. It seems fair, but as I mentioned before, my health comes first. I will never bend over and kiss anyone’s ass or hand. So after dad lectured me, I lectured him right back. To this day he still doesn’t see that I have his blood in me. To him, I’m the only rebel. Haha.

Ideas surround me again, and I’m excited that I’m regaining my creative perspective – another thing that I’m repairing.  I think in stories sometimes and movies can be a great inspiration to a great story. In fact, by the time I post this blog, I would’ve gone to the movies for the 3rd time this week. AMC offers $6 movies before Noon so I’m not really killing an already drowning budget.

I don’t know what tomorrow will bring. I’m bathing in glory right now because I freed myself from an unbelievable situation. I’m doing repairs on my ego and I’m rethinking the importance of sanity. Earlier this week, I nearly melted when I thought of life 6 – 8 months from now. Immediately I began frantically searching for a job.  But a day later I realize that I will be okay. Never again will I succumb to a job that I am not passionate about. My book is my focus and my dreams are to become successful as a writer. Nothing less.

For anyone struggling with the decision to quit, be sure to ask yourself “is it worth it?” For me, it was. Every moment leading up to my resignation was worth me quitting. There is a life after, and if you are remotely interested in entertaining the idea of a new life, be sure you have a safety net and a passion to become something more valuable than a worker bee.

That’s all for now. Please feel free to follow my success on Facebook @Beatrice McClearn. That’s where I will list my new ventures.